Living the question

  "Villanelle For Our Time"

 lyrics by Lenard Cohen , 

a man who touched my soul when I was 16 years old and never let it go. 


"From bitter searching of the heart,

Quickened with passion and with pain

We rise to play a greater part.

This is the faith from which we start:

Men shall know commonwealth again

From bitter searching of the heart.

We loved the easy and the smart,

But now, with keener hand and brain,

We rise to play a greater part.

The lesser loyalties depart,

And neither race nor creed remain

From bitter searching of the heart.

Not steering by the venal chart

That tricked the mass for private gain,

We rise to play a greater part.

Reshaping narrow law and art

Whose symbols are the millions slain,

From bitter searching of the heart

We rise to play a greater part."







The song beautifully found me today while I was still sitting in the long shadow/ fog of the election. My brain trying to process what it really means to have Donald trump as our president. What it truely means and not just what I fear or what I hope or what CNN has told me. The more I sit with it the more I realize this changes nothing for me. I didn't magically think that the hatred and racism would stop if we elected a woman president. I don't know what we were all holding our breath for. This kind of systematic fear and hate doesn't just go away with a new political institution. That kind of hate needs an everyone in, from the ground up, societal revolution that speaks to our greatest threat/ issue/fear maker , the way we live our life. Our lifestyle consumption. Our isolated community. Our lack of sustainability in nearly everything we do. I see this kind of fear and hate as the canary flying desperately out of the coal mines saying " stop!!! Help!! We are all in pain!!  The planet is dying!! We are eating foods that kill us!!! We are polluting everything we touch!!! We don't feel connected because we are NOT CONNECTED TO ANYTHING....but money and our lifestyles. "


I'm just as guilty as anyone else. I obsessively shop on amazon for all the little things in my life. Camping egg carrier, done! New sun hat for my baby boy, got it! I buy and buy and buy without thinking about what I'm really doing with my money. The message I am sending when I support single use plastics and slave labor in china. I rent houses that are too big for me because I want space to live my own life. My neighborhood feels so empty and disconnected because we are all living in houses that are too big for us. Wasting so much energy that we don't know where it's coming from and drinking water we have no idea how it got there. Let alone eating food that is so far removed from what's natural. Yes I support farmers markets and buy local and organic but when I lived in Los Angeles I barely composted, which means I would just throw away so much food into the landfill. And sometimes I bought more then I could eat. And I would take pictures of all the fruits and vegetables I bought with pride and then watch them rot because it was easier ( and more enjoyable, we are social creatures!!) to eat out with friends. Then try and cook for just myself.  When I walk down the red carpet and I'm wearing a brand that is guilty of a larger then necessary carbon footprint , I don't hold them accountable. I don't demand they change their ways and stop polluting our planet and abusing peoples rights. No. I walk proud, feeling beautiful , that a dress that costs more then my rent to wear, will only be worn once by me and then never again. It sickens me to think what my lifestyle consumption has done to the planet. For me, that is why I'm crying today. Not because a bully was elected office. Because I have allowed myself to live in a world that is completely disconnected from what is real and good and healthy for our spirits and our minds. So much so that I can understand how people with much less money then me and even less opportunity must feel. The rage they must feel. The hole in all of our hearts we keep feeding with trash. 


I have been very inactive on social media since the birth of my son. It was not a conscious break. I simply didn't have time to post as much. And the things that seemed important to me before my son came into the world just didn't feel as important now. Now that he is getting older and I'm finding more time in my day, I'mhaving a hard time finding the importance of instagram and twitter and facebook. No matter how much i speak out on matters i care about , the environment , a new film , a baby boy ...this election.  No matter how passionately I've expressed my point of view here there's a part of it that always feels empty. Just spreading awareness doesn't feel like enough anymore. I chose to speak out today because I want to make a radical change in my life. I want to go beyond just saying , BE THE CHANGE YOU WANT TO SEE IN THE WORLD. I want to put every fiber of my mind , body and spirit into creating a more connected and holistic lifestyle. For myself, for my family and for the planet. 


I want to use social media as a place to discuss sustainability in all forms. I want to use it as a place to connect us back to each other. To push each other out of our collective comfort zones. And stop buying new because it's the norm. Stop eating meat that's been brutalized and given toxic chemicals. Stop living in cities that disconnect us and further the divide between healthy and unhealthy living. Stop believing that we are different because of how we look or what is in our bank accounts. I want to see us getting off the grid and creating our own power, growing our own vegetables, raising our own animals and living within real communities where we share and care and protect and foster awareness , acceptance and love. 


My family has decided that instead of living "the dream" , buying land in a far away natural setting and starting our own farm and living life off the grid. We want to live a more realistic/ holistic dream. There's thousands of communities that are already living these lifestyles , called intentional villages or eco villages. It's better for our forests and our resources and our hearts if we can live together with like minded individuals and share and grow and work to create a sustainable life. If the forest isn't for you , I dare you to google " eco village and then your state/city" and see what comes up. Also look up transition towns, in which a small city strives to create their own commerce ( time banks) ,get off the grid and grow their own food. When I was living in Los Angeles I was aware of three different off the grid co housing / farm communities that I was proud of and talked about but never supported. These are REAL ways we can change our life. Stop mindlessly buying more and more and more. Stop poisoning our bodies and poisoning the planet. Stop isolating ourselves in perfect housing and perfect yards. Break down the fences in our neighborhoods. Start sharing our tools and our food and our hearts. Start healing the rage and disconnection we are all feeling. 


I know I don't have all the answers. These are merely questions. How can we ? How should we? What feels right? What really feeds us and makes us happy in this life?  I will be here living the question. Happy to be in this mulch phase. Not focusing on what kind of flower I will become. Because there's too much work to be done. 


I love you. As big as mountains.


a great link to discover intentional communities near you!